Seeing isn’t believing Reading isn’t believing Hearing isn’t believing A truthful confession is also not reassuring The only thing that’s true Is Gods promise, Gods love, Gods Hope.. As long as they are called humans.. There’s always a chance to be cheated. By untrustworthy humans. Who claimed to be trustworthy Dats what I learnt. After about 16 years of living.. The fear just keep on growing From day to day. Leaving cancer inside my heart The pain I felt, The lost I felt, Is no one have the right to know A secret I’ve kept locked away Wounds so deep they never show, they never go away. No one can ever see Because.. none is true to me nowadays Yeah.. life is full of faces Full of fools And. It hurts Why should they make promises For in the end.. they’ll just blew it away? I tried to accept the fact Just how much cruelty is going on In a very invisible way Slowly ~ steadily ~ and poisons every single thing Even the heart of an innocent gurl Me. Heh, maybe he’ll laugh Maybe she’ll laugh Maybe they’ll laugh Just let it be. Because they are just the same Giving hope, giving promises, giving light And holding tight And all for that is for what? To gain my trust, to gain my belief, to gain my strength, to gain my soul But what did they do with all? destroy it! I am not a doll nor a favorite toy Whom they can hug and play.. Love and cherish~ But thrown away As a new toy comes in never objects nor cry I am a living being With feelings and normal desires the feeling of secure and dependable are yet not available…… It’s a global issue. For when it will end.. ….no one knows……. Sometimes I feel like trusted you so well Sometimes I just feel like screaming at my self Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know Somehow I need to be alone Sometimes I need to remember just to breathe Sometimes I need everyone to stay away from me Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know Somehow I need you to go. Inside of me. I was confused Just stuck hollow and alone I want to feel what I thaught was never real. I want to let go of the pain I’ve held so long I want to find something I’ve wanted all along Looking everywhere I only find that its not the way I had imagined Idunt want to be ignored I can pretend this is the way it will stay. I’m just trying to bend the truth I don’t know who to trust Everyone.. everyone feels so far away from me So far from me. Far from me …………………………………………………………………………

hey there.. apa yg berlaku hari nih??? minggu lepas pi kuala lumpur. cuti2 malaysia la gitu~ hik hikh ik hmm~ what am i feeling right now?? bored maan. im bored to death! pagi tadi pi visit cg niza :D anaknye so so sooo cute la mmg cam jepun sket2~ IrdieNa namanya irdina.. maksudnye?? guess what.. sama dgn aku lah~~! hehe cg kate sj pilih maksud sama ngan aku so that "mudah mudahaan jadi baik macam ijjlal" ceywaaaah. hahahah. tersengih je aku. ahaks! aku baik eh? waa.. ekekkke. dayana.. cikgu punye 1st daughter.. mulut becok memanjang lah! sgt comel.......... puas main. dgn teddy bear byk.. basikal kuda.. slide. hayooo. bestla diorang main balik...... well alamak. aceli aku x de mood nak tulis la journal yg aku dah siap taip macam tak tersave tu yg frust sket panjang dha aku taip tau... okeylaa tu je kut aa lenguh lenguh lenguhnyee tangan aku ni~~!!!

huh!!~ ni cerita semalam......................~~ i got a sms.. memula, x tau sape.. "askum. awak ada kat umah tak? sy nak talk ngan awak lil bit.. tolong reply mesej ni!! saya harap awk tau sape saya" koz bersaya2.. aku ingatkan yoda.. da unkown person yg dok kacau aku~ well, aku silap.. bukan yoda pun/ rupe2nye.. syed. yeah~ dat person yg aku mmg anti. hahahah jahat aku ni aku mencebik seketika. tringat apa yg dia tulis kt dlm buku aoutograph aku. " hp number : carik sendirik la yek! " sekali dia yg memberi~ so phetatic.~ he said he wanna talk summin to me, so i replied laa... dunno wats in to him, he apolagize to me for what he did at skool~ he told me why he was acting like a jerk. a terrible awful jerk. heh. lame reason.. aku.. tatau nape.. mmg kurang senang ngan dia y suddenly dia cite semua ni?? he didnt make me feel any better. but menambahkan lagi kejelikan aku.. klu nak ikutkan.. xde ape sgtlaa yg dia buat tu.~ but dunnolah, my instinct says dat i should not make friends wiz im.. hiii again.. my instinct.. typical huh? eniwey~ i think i was bein kind a harsh to him~ aku sindir dia. sindir yg tajam lepaih tu.. he didnt reply my mesej at all~ maybe he knew dat it had been a misatke for messaging me like dat. heh.. just let it be.. aku maleh nak kata ape2.~ tp, lastly, i worte an email to him~ yalaa. aku rasa aku dah terlebey cakap kat dia aku nih,, mulut buleh tahan gak bile aku dah meluat sgt2 tu... keluar gak laa yg tak best tak best tuh..... hehehe in da mail.. aku cume kata, aku maafkan dia and aku pun mintak maaf sama kat dia.. well, sdgkan allah buleh maafkan hamba2 Nya.. inikan pula hamba sesama hamba... i ll stick to dat lgpun, x silap aku.. dulu dia ada gak mintak maaf kat aku tp.. aku tgk, no perubahan langsung. hy pd mulut, hy pd nama... apa2lah.. biarkalah dia bahgia dlm hidup dia.. eee... dat person haa... just want to lenyek2 him~ serve im right~!! ArKs.. klu dia baca ni, aku tatau la.. hehe tp rasanye,, xde ramai pun yang akan baca journal ni.... okeylaa.. i caant sit put lama2 koz sat sat my mom panggil.. sat2 itu.. sat2 ini.. :P lgpun, ada tetamu pulak hari ni... k, better go..~

Isk… kenapa aku nih takut sgt nak voice out what I want>????? Kenapa haa.. Am I afraid of ~~~ Am I afraid wiz rejection? Am I afraid of what people think? Or.. am I afraid wiz my own desires? Aku……..~ Xtaulah nak kata.. dah lama I wanted it.. Cume aku x gitau jer. Klu aku bagitau.. x semestinye diorang nak bagi. Adekee senang2 je nak bagi kan? Whatlah aku ni… Tp… aku tak tahu lg kan kutla diorang nak bagi pulak? Hehehehe~ , its worth a try God.. now im talking about tryin Dat is one of your prinsip rite??? “Everythin worth a try” But, kenapa kali ni aku cukup chicken out utk gitau yg aku nak? Bukannye susah sgt kan? Just tell.. “ I want dat thing, plz..?” xde dosa ape pun. Ur not killin anyone, rite?? Mmgla x killin, but diz thing is so precious. Even money couldn’t buy this Aku dah cube pujuk diri aku.. X payah la ijjlal.. x payah… its not yours….. Ur acting like a fool,..? But.. makin lama aku pujuk aku tak mau.. Maaaakin aku nak.. aiyaa… problem la aku nih kan?? Ketegaq sungguh…..!!!!!!! hik hik hik Apa bendenye? Heh, x perlu la aku tulis kat sini Aku rasa.. bg org lain.. xdelaa preicious sgt.. tp, bg aku.. mmg sgt222 bharga.. It’s a secret.. Just between me and Allah~ Apa yg pasti, aku mmg takutlah.. Ya Allah, plz help me…… plz……….. What should I Do.? Just diamkan diri like I always do>? And let things go by……………? And hoping dat deres always a better thing for me in da future? I know.. itulaa yg jd motivasi aku slama ni “There ll always be a better tomorrow.” Harapan yg aku sendri buat Harapan yg aku sendiri cipta Yaa.. dat hope had made me a much more patience person And lebih matang~ x cepat merajuk cam masa aku kecik2 dulu .. ‘Baby jilal’ laa katakan.. :D Ttp, kkdg aku rasa, aku rasa,,, aku hilang dalam harapan tu Aku sesat Dan.. yelah.. aku ni manusia…….~ impikan harapan mjdi kenyataan.. Hmm.. apakan daya.. ni bukan alam fantasi… diz is da real world..! Harapan akan ttp jd harapan. Harapan akan kekal harapan… Harapan menjadi reality? Satu keajaiban! Hmm sudahlah dgn kehampaan aku ni.. x rock lah kan!! ill make my self feel better.. Aku akan temui keajaiban itu! Ya.. satu hari nanti.. aku akan dapat apa yg aku mahu tu~ I guess I ll never hav da guts to ask kat diorang.. I ll just… just.. let it be (well.. theres no other option la..) And I ll still believe dat theres a better tomorrow for me. Org Kata… dunia ni ada 1001 kejaiaban.. Manalaa tau tersangkut satu keajaiban tu kat aku… Kan kan kan??!!!!!! And on dat day.. ill be the happiest person in the universe~ YeA YEAH!!! Hahah.. eniwey, wiz Allah’s will.. nothing aint impossible. Ill stick to dat belief~~.. forever!!

Wednesday~ Hari ni, aku lihat.. Org tua tu..’ Kat market. Nenek tu, tak segan2, hulurkan tgn mintak duit derma Aku,, mmg lah kesian Da 1st thing dat pop up in my mind was.. MANA ANAK2 NENEK NIH!!!! Mana?? Biarkan ibu mrk merempat Memintak sedekah Makan pakai x tentu cukup Sembahyang pun.. aku tak tau nak cakap Aku.. klu nak diikutkan, mmg lah rasa cam nak bg je Tp, bile aku pk Aku npk nenek tu sejak aku mmla pindah Kedah 5 years ago. LIMA TAHUN. Still mintak sedekah.. still.. mcm dulu Zalimke aku ni? Tak berhati perut ke aku ni? Ntahlaa Aku tak rasa senang nak bg kt nenek tu Kat mana2 pasar pun.. mesti dia ada.. jauh, dekat.. mesti ada Sepatu pun xde. Isk… rasa guilty pulak sbb aku tak rasa apa2 kt nenek tu Tp.. she made me feel like dat Kkdg sampai bergaduh ngan org laen utk duduk kt tpt tu… Relevenke tu? Apa salahnye buat niaga kecik2….. Macam pakcik yg buta lg satu tu.. Dia menjual crakers and tissue Itu.. aku buleh terima laa Sekurang2nye, dia ada usaha and semangat lain.. Hmm… Ntahlaa.. manusia… susah nak difahami, kan>? Termasuklah aku………………………………………………………………….

Hehehehehe.. Lagi skali.. lama dah kan aku tak tulis kat sinih!! No. no.. bukan lupa password.. Cuma, saje jee Maleh lak nak get online. Biarlah, nak rehat sket..~ I need time to relax man! Org kate, absence makes da love grows fonder. X gitu???? :D betul what~ Klu tiap2 hari aku tulis kat sini.. everday balas ur email …. And aku yg Tanya kabar ko….~~~ u wont feel the importance of my presence. But once I disappear form da worLD~~ (just for let se.. 3 days onli??) Leaving no news behind~~ MUahAhAH Baru nak email2 org yeh!! Saje je sampai penuh aku nye inbox! Byklaa punye fiel yee.. grrrrr. Nak kene babab nih!! hahahaha Xpelaa. At least I know dat deres sumone who do care about me. And not pretending~~ pura2 je kan? :P X kesahlaa inveisible kee visible kee.. Trimas eniwey.. Sebenanye~ Aku nyepi from dunia cyber and dunia tel. Klu yg penting2 je ill reply~ MauahAHah padan muke korang eh…(referring to my visible friend) :P Kaget ke aku x miss call korang?? OOooOoooO.. dah xde baru carik aku yer. Masa ada.. tak layan … Dibuatnye aku dah innalillah dah sekarang.... x nyesal ke…. Hehehehehe Bio aku torture korang pepuas. Asyik2 aku je yg kene.. mana aci/~!! Eh, elok2 lak aku tgh denga lagu Friends. Alaa. Friends yg kt tv tu.. “ill be dere for u.. koz ull be there for me too~~” :D macam tau2 je kan! waOOo miracle~ enough laa pasa; tu.. apa yg pasti, aku tgh “tsenyum manis” (kehkehekeh) skerang nih :P . ko pun ,, cepat… cepat!! “senyum manis” gak laaaa!!! eeeehh mestila suke when dpt buat org susah hati kan?? Hahahahha I hope ull tahan from memarahi aku, koz tak gune nyer…. Sesia tau.. aku akan terus wat kerja gila aku tu!! Aalaa marah laa marah .. nanti aku suro adek ko babab ko.. nak???? X pon, aku menghilang lagi kang… kelam kabut ko nanti, aku tak jamin ye…!!!!!!!!!!!!! xxxxxxxxxxx ~~invifriends~~ I aGreE~!!! :D xxxxxxxxxxx

Askum.. ini.. aku ada tbaca satu syair arab.. dah ditafsirkanpun.…. kind a kool,~ Just wanna share it wiz u guyz~ baca tau!! Matalah punca segala kelakuan yang ganjil-ganjil, Api bernyala~~ yg asalnya hanyalah dari percikan yang kecil, Betapa banyak penglihatan yang menggangu hati tuannya! Laksana panah yang menikam jantung, menembusi sanubarinya, Selama manusia mempunyai mata yang dipermain-mainkannya Merenung pandangan ke mata jelitawan.. tetap membahayakannya Matalah yang bergembira Namun hati yang menerima padahnya Biar tidak gembira kiranya diri yang ditimpa mudharatnya….. To BoYs~ WoOAo da power of mata~ feewiiit!! Hahahahaah~~ sbb tu la aku kata, aku takut nak tgk lelaki~ it just feel aint rite lah, x selesa~ so, klu aku cam “acuh x acuh” depan korang.. tgk tempat lain masa cakap ngan korang..or.. tergagap ke.. hehehe.. pepaham jelaa.. jgn hiraukan.. mmg aku x selesa yeh nak bedepan2 camtu~~ and sape yg sukee sgt usha2 org pompuan tu… aku rasa elok ko tobat yer~ kang kene tamparan wanita percuma, tak ke sia-sia je namanye tuh?! :P <<<>>> huahuahauhauha To GurLs~ So~~ apa aku nak kata lagi.. jagalah pandangan korang yeh…. Yg suke main tenung2 tu…. Cube2l ah insaf yer! :P . I tenung u, u tenung i. lama2 dua2 lingkup~~~ astagfirullah~!! X ssalah nak senyum or nak bergurau or nak berborak…~ cume.. padanlah dgn niat yg suci murni ye…. And.. pandai2lah jaga diri..! awk tu dah besar panjang dah…..~~~ ~JaGa diRi~ JaGa AkhLak~ JaGa PerIbaDi~~

Hehehehehe Soryla aku dah lama x tulis kat c ni… Sebenanye.. Aku terlupa password aku lah! :P besalaa,, nenek ni mudah lupa bende2 cengginih~ selalu ada tulis. Tapi, ntah mana aku tulis pun.. aku x ingat gak!! At last…. Found da sollution~ haii npknyee x sia2 laah aku join persatuan pelupa.. Haha u guys x kan tahu menahu pun pasal persatuan nih.~ baru punya lah~ Kihkiahkaihahaha Lifes…. Goin good. Ermm.. maybe they r sum ketakselesaan, But hey.. I think I can cope wiz em U selalu can, rite ijjlal?? J One word yg leh describe my situation rite know Letih Yaaaaaaaa. Im damn letih laa X tau neper~ nak kata x makan.. ahahaha itu… mustahil.. sgt mustahil nak kata wat keje.. alahaii.. apa sgtlaa yg aku buat pun? Kecik tet je.. Nak kata tido lbt…. Aku slalu tido lbt dah…. Dunno, Maybe a good short rest will do da jod.. kan? eniwey~~~ it was a kool day 2day dok lepak kt umah kawan aku~~ fuyoo.. from kul 2 saaaaaaaaaampai kul 6 tau! hihihi besalaa kawan lama tak jumpa macam2 dok borak yg merapu pun ada keh keh keh keh tp, tu yg besh tu! lagi, aku dah lama x jumpa ngan kawan aku yg kaki merapu tu skali bejumpa ohlalalalalaaaaaaaaaaa ketawa mak datukkk kalaulaaa kitorang x dok dlm bilek agaknye umah tu leh begema!! hihh~~~

HaBis SkoLa~~ i just cant beileve dat 2days tha last day!! mama... i dunt wanna be big, ikikikikikiki, still nak jadi baby lagi arr! ahha, xpe,, maybe im physically semakin membesar and matang but i guess, ill always be my familys baby! okey, actually,,, 2day, i was just amazed, about the power of a Card well, its eidul fitr so, as usuall, sent some cards to my friends and family~~ nothing bazzaaar,, but.. i never knew, that a card can change everythinG! mcm2 tindak balas,~ positive ada,, negatif ada i sent to a little gurl~ dat had brought laughter to my life she reacts soo un believable. i was so touched hearing her happy voice, and reaction.. aku bg kt cikgu2 aku gak... i felt.. i felt closer to them! u know what?? sorang cg yg jarang2 sekali nak gurau ngan aku, suddenly, 2 day, she met me, saying thanx for the card.. and she make jokes with me! ErKS. iwass kind a pelik~ startled awhilelah.. but.. hey!! it just felt good. i learnt dat,, mengaku berterima kasih or menghargaai.. belum cukup. we hav to show dat we care bout em. sumtimes, action speaks louder den words! in the other hand, ada jugak yg bg reaction yg opposite, i just dunno wats de problem, but they kind a pulaukan me, is she angry? erm.. i think i didnt wrote unnecerely stuff inside doze cards! just playing franks bg bunga api, adalah! well, its kebetulan aku ttba tringin nak main bunga api, beli laa satu paket tu.. main 2 btg jer~ ada lebih 6 btg.. so, y not masukkan dlm kad raya? iz dat a big prob? i dunt think so, i wanna ask em, but im afraid. i dunno y im afraid since i did nothing worng, maybe i did do summin huh? ntahlaah, x sedap hati gak,,, 2 month cuti, i didnt ask them wats de prob. y they r staring at me wiz dis nasty look. ape... pelik sgt ke klu aku bg kad raye? apa yg aku rasa skrang nih~~ hy dgn sekeping kad.. (yg mana kat dalam kad tu aku cume mohon maaf & doakan kebahagiaan,,,) mampu menceriakan hari seseorang and dekatkan lagi aku ngan diorang and x kurang juge, menimbulkan ketaksenang hatian and menjauhkan lg aku ngan diorang. arghh aku pun naik pening well, i hope those negetif thing yg ive been feeling is just my feeling, just silap faham! Amin!!! i dunt wanna create an awful keadaan............... anyway.. Happy Raya Day!!

keSabaran.. satu perkataan yg mudah utk disebut but, acelli payah utk "diprakktikkan" hMmm. org kata, kesabaran is everything itu.. org kata. ... aku pulak? bagi aku, kesabaran is not just everything, itS the life! life is about patience, life is about caring life is about harmonius but still, life is about kekejaman life is about kejelikan. kejelikan manuasia yg sememenganya rakus dan tamak! rakus dgn nafsu yg telah ditiupkan sumpahan oleh pak pak syaitan pak pak syaitan yg sememangnya cukuup bahagia melihatkan segala kekejaman dan kejahilan manusia!! i really hate when it comes to that part~ bagaimana, .. bagaimana seorang manusia, buleh hanyut and leka dgn hasutan makhluk yg mereka sendiri tak nampak? KuaSa tuhan.. ya.. munGkin semua ini,, adalah satu ujian satu peperiksaan, satu examination yg terpaksa kita duduki,, selama-lamanya~ menilai sejauh mana kesabaran dan kekuatan kita menghadapi godaan sejauh mana kita mampu membezakan antara kaca dan permata, antara fantasi dan realiti. hanya mereka yg waras~ yg sabar~ yg cekal dan yg sentiasa megharapkan pertolonga drpd Guru Guru sekian Alam... yaa.. kepada AlLah.. Hanya mereka akan berjaya dan mengecapi kejayaan dlm setiap ujian Aaah. aku memang cukup jelik. hatiku sakit! hatiku pilu!! betapa angkuhnya kau! betapa tamaknya kau betapa ~ aahh segala- galanya ada pd kau siapakah Kau yg ku maksudkan? mereka yg tak segan silu menindas wahaaaai manusia2 yg merasakan mrk sedang melakukan penindasan!!! aah, mereka sbernanya tidak pernah mahu sedar atau... pura2 tak tahu?? sesungguhnya hari ini aku menyumpah kau dgn satu sumpahan yg amat dhsyat takkan tenang hidap kau atas segala kezaliman yg telah kau lakukan GrRrrR tetapi~ aku tetap akan berdoa, agar AlLah melembutkan hati kau memberi nur hidayah memberi cahaya kepada kehidapan Kau yg semamngya gelap gelap dgn kegelapan yg kau cipta KesaBaran~ kerana kesabaran inilah aku masih mampu bertahan mereka masih mampu bertahan kerana keasbaran ini jugalah aku masih mampu berdiri meneruskan kehidupan yg sememangnya penuh onak dan duri aku masih mampu memperjuangkan cita2.. masih mampu merealisasikan segala cita dan impian masih mampu mengorak langkah masih mampu memberi harapan kpd diriku dan juga org lain andainya lenyap kesabaran andainya tidak wujud kesabaran dlm kamus hidupku telah lama aku rebah dalam hilaian tawa Yang penuh kedengkian.. -skyzi-